Kairo Kirk: Scared to Openly Question

I grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness. I got baptized at 11, and became a pioneer as soon as I could. My father was an elder. My parents were both extremely controlling and strict; I had no privacy whatsoever, and they monitored everything I did closely. When I got into high school and started making friends, I had to communicate with them in secret for fear of my parents finding out.

I was deeply suicidal and struggling throughout high school, struggling between how I felt and what the religion taught me. My parents provided no help, simply telling me to read the Bible and “be more spiritual.” During 2020 quarantine, I started researching and exploring my identity. I came to the conclusion I was nonbinary and queer, although I didn’t want to admit it to myself at the time.

Doubts started building in me when I saw how abusive my father was at home but was still an elder in the congregation. Despite this, I was so scared to openly question anything because I knew it would mean being shunned and losing everyone I had grown up with, my whole community. That is, until one of my high school friends I had been secretly keeping in contact with confessed that they loved me and asked me out. I was terrified, but I agreed and we met up secretly. Thus began a secret relationship. I dated them for a few months, even went through pioneer school in that time keeping it secret. However, 3 months in, my parents found my secret social media accounts.

When they confronted me about it, I decided I had had enough and I was going to tell them everything. One thing led to another, I went through two judicial committees, and I was disfellowshipped. I had to spend my last remaining time with my family members telling them I was leaving and watching them sob and beg me to stay. I blamed myself for the pain I put my family through, but I wasn’t willing to break off the only relationship I had that actually treated me with love, care and compassion. I wasn’t allowed to tell the rest of my family why I was getting disfellowshipped.

It’s been 2 years now, I haven’t spoken to my mother, older brother, grandparents, aunts and uncles, and my many friends once in that time. The only messages I get is to invite me back to the Kingdom Hall, with not even a “hello, how are you?”

It’s been extremely difficult to deal with, and I still have breakdowns over the fact that my family won’t be at my wedding and they don’t even know why they’re shunning me. I’m doing better now that I live with my wonderful partner of two and a half years, and have rebuilt community. But it was absolutely devastating to realize that the people I thought cared about me my whole life loved me very conditionally. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.