How Shunning Tore Our Family Apart

I grew up as a Jehovah’s Witness (JW) from the age of 7. I hated every minute of it. I was bullied in school every year because I could not participate in any holidays or school events. I wasn’t allowed to salute the flag—which I eventually did anyway because of the bullying. I grew up just wanting to be normal. I ended up quitting school in my junior year.

At 18, I married another JW, thinking I could get away from my parents—only to find that he was even worse. I wasn’t allowed to think for myself, work outside the home, or have friends visit—even JW friends weren’t allowed to have our phone number. He was controlling, possessive, and emotionally and mentally abusive. My parents saw this, but because he was a JW, they looked the other way. He had grown up in the religion and hid his mental health issues from me until the night after our wedding. We had two daughters, and even though my parents remained close to them, they continued to witness how badly he treated me.

He struggled to hold a job, so I eventually started cleaning homes—typical for JW women, because JW men often don’t want their wives seeing how others live. After my second daughter was born, I started planning my escape. When he became a police officer, he grew even more domineering. When things didn’t go his way, he would torment me by refusing to speak to me until I gave in. Eventually, I learned to provoke him intentionally so he would stop talking to me, and I could enjoy two or three weeks of peace. I began forming friendships with people outside the JW community, and they became my support system.

Things got so bad that I left for two weeks and stayed with my sister-in-law. My parents stepped in and paid for marriage counseling, and during that time, I discovered that my husband had been spreading lies about me to my family and others at the Kingdom Hall. I refused to attend any more meetings. He falsely claimed I was on drugs—something I have never touched—while he himself was using them. Of course, he portrayed himself as the victim, and because he still attended meetings, my family took his side.

After nearly nine months apart, I filed for divorce. We were supposed to share joint custody, but my parents and all our JW friends sided with him. He even arranged for the Watchtower attorney [lawyer provided by the JW organization] to represent him. He ended up gaining custody of our daughters.

Later, I found my true soulmate, but because of that, my parents wrote me out of their lives for ten years. They only reached out again when my ex remarried and no longer needed their support. As my father's health began to fail, he didn’t want to leave things unresolved. When they resumed contact with me, my ex tried to get them disfellowshipped for having a relationship with me. Fortunately, my brother intervened and helped move my parents out of my ex's town.

When my daughter turned 18, my ex told her she could no longer speak to me. However, once she moved out at 22, she reconnected. She met a wonderful man and started dating him. When they got engaged, my ex refused to meet her fiancé—even though he was studying to become a JW. Despite the fact that my daughter was not disfellowshipped, her father refused to attend the wedding or provide any financial support. My husband and I paid for the entire wedding.

Later, my daughter had a son. Even after her husband was baptized as a JW, her father still had no relationship with them. They were married for 17 years when her husband died of a brain tumor, leaving her at 40 years old with an 11-year-old son and a 5-year-old daughter. Her father, who had ignored them for nearly two decades, wanted to attend the funeral. My daughter told him not to bother. To this day, neither of my daughters has anything to do with him.

Shunning and being a JW tore our family apart. It stole my children’s childhoods and caused emotional scars that continue today. When my grandson turned 16, he came to live with me because he could no longer endure the strict restrictions. He was gifted in sports but wasn’t allowed to participate. He suffered from severe anxiety and came dangerously close to suicide. With unconditional love and support, I pulled him through that dark period. He still battles anxiety today. Now 21 years old, he struggles with social skills and has never had a girlfriend, largely because he was never taught how to build normal relationships. His mother, still a JW, had checked his phone constantly to monitor any contact with girls.

My daughter remains in the JW organization and is sadly repeating many of the same mistakes with my granddaughter. I maintain a good relationship with her because I refuse to give up on her. We even take family vacations together now. But she still cannot see the stranglehold the JW religion has on her life. The cycle passes from one generation to the next, because they are never given the chance to explore other possibilities or make their own choices.

My other daughter, however, left to attend college and walked away from the JW faith. She is the fighter in the family. She now has a wonderful husband, two happy children, and lives a normal, joyful life. I only wish my daughter who remains a JW could see the difference—and realize how much better life can be when it is lived freely and fully.