Patrick: Even a Beard Was Too Much: My Awakening from a Life Inside Jehovah’s Witnesses

My name is Patrick, and I was born in Italy. My story is quite "ordinary" compared to many others. A few days after my birth, two Jehovah’s Witnesses arrived at my parents’ house. Like good salespeople, they capitalized on the greatest parental need: to guarantee their child the best possible future. My mother, 27 years old, began to study, and then my father (28 years old) also started. They were baptized in ’94 when I was already 5 years old.

Completely sucked into the cult and the community, they threw away everything "of the world" they had at home (records, books, ornaments given by relatives who might have problems with the occult). They sold the TV (if only I think about the fact that now there’s Broadcasting and raised me with meetings, Bible stories, and preaching, in the conviction of raising me in the best way in a healthy environment.

Obviously, the problems started in elementary school because this alien (me) who didn’t celebrate holidays and recited Bible passages by heart was also a big pain because he believed he was better than others. After all, what opinion could a child raised with the conviction that only Jehovah’s Witnesses would be saved at Armageddon [the organization’s teaching about God’s final judgment] and that therefore everyone else was nothing more than walking dead have? Obviously, my schoolmates were not kind to me because of my attitude: those 5 years of elementary school served to knock me off the pedestal where I believed I was.

The atmosphere at home was sometimes not the best, but apart from that, my parents never let me lack anything. I had a "normal" adolescence (without serenely enjoying the first sexual experiences typical of adolescence, opportunities I will unfortunately never have…) surrounded by friends strictly of the same faith, as required by the doctrine (fortunately, at the time, there was a nice group of boys and girls in the congregation). I was baptized at only 13 years old.

I never graduated, even though the teachers pushed in that direction, first because my first thought was to build my independence, and second because university education was strongly discouraged by the organization. I immediately started working full-time despite the pressure from elders and well-meaning friends, who never spared themselves in dispensing advice aimed at making me "grow spiritually" and putting spiritual goals before me that I never wanted to cultivate… I always thought that the most important thing was to be self-sufficient, and that this would be the foundation for everything else.

On the one hand, I always had a "rebellious" attitude as I have always been a challenger of authority in the congregation: my motto, when someone gave me advice, has always been: "where is it written?" (and very often it wasn’t written…). On the other hand, I always believed in the doctrines of Jehovah’s Witnesses, not having had the push or the opportunity to inform myself differently or to read the Bible with a critical spirit. Let’s say I always "floated," doing the bare minimum not to be reprimanded too strongly but not doing enough to be praised.

There was always something wrong: the concerts I went to, the full-time job, my car (always strictly a BMW, a few years old and always bought without financing… but always a BMW. Having quality things that last over time: how materialistic!), the friendships in the congregation: it is said that all brothers are equal, but, in fact, some brothers are "more equal" than others. Obviously, my group of friends was snubbed by the pioneer group, who were obviously more spiritual than us according to everyone.

At 23, my wife and I got married. There was no shortage of criticism towards us during our courtship because we refused to date with the chaperone on duty, even though at the time it was strongly recommended. However, we always followed the rules and got married as virgins, even though for us this rule was not strictly important. Even as a married couple, we were not free to determine our lives, despite both working and not asking anyone for help. Interference from my family and my in-laws occurred and was heavy… and in fact, over time, we reached a breaking point with both families.

In 2016, I decided, in good conscience, to grow a neat beard… I was proud of it because it suited me very well: my wife liked it, in the congregation I received compliments on my new look, in service it went unnoticed, but above all, I liked myself more in the mirror. So, no problem, a normal person would say. Obviously, the avalanche of shepherding visits and advice from the elders was not long in coming. Not a meeting went by without one of them pointing out that I was not serving Jehovah in the right way, that I was like a modern Esau who bartered his birthright (privileges of service that I did not have and would never have) for a plate of lentils (the beard…).

I was sidelined in everything: my assignments in the departments were taken away, I could not give talks other than reading. There began a slow… very slow awakening: I couldn’t understand how a simple beard could attract so much hatred from the organization, especially since no indication came from the scriptures… but the prohibition came from a phantom Bethel circular, which I didn’t even have the right to read! The best thing would have been to cut it and live peacefully, but I couldn’t do it. My inner voice protested at the mere thought of bending over such an idiotic thing.

Soon, in the neighboring congregations, I and other bearded men like me were identified as rebels, which for us became a kind of pride as well as a burden to bear: we were on the margins of the community, where they had confined us, but for us it was a symbol of freedom and free thought… we bothered some because they couldn’t crush us, and others felt sympathy for us and defended us. It seems ridiculous… but in a high-control group like that, even a simple beard can become a reason for division. Obviously, since March 2024, having received the go-ahead from the Governing Body [central leadership of Jehovah’s Witnesses], many have "organized themselves," and now the beard is a must-have at every level. Just have one of those who count tell you… and you can do it!

At the time, my wife tried in every way to be liked in the congregation… she was everywhere she could lend a hand and was very busy in the ministry and studied a lot. And this made me feel guilty… because I was holding her back: she was the one with the bearded husband. But even towards her, despite everything she did, it was never enough for many elders. Furthermore, by seriously reading the Bible, she had many doubts about the doctrines of the organization.

At the time of COVID-19, my wife woke up and began her journey that led her to distance herself first from the congregation and then to disassociation/disfellowshipping (actually, she took the opportunity of the committee to tell them that they no longer had authority over her). Before her committee, as a good indoctrinated person, I was very worried about her because I saw her evolving and I didn’t understand… and I made a huge mistake: despite everything, I decided to trust men and asked an elder for help who proved to be friendly and took charge of the situation. Unfortunately, I set Agent Smith [a metaphor for the elders’ rigid enforcement] in motion.

Instead of trying to help my wife "recover spiritually," two elders came to visit us with the aim of investigating, telling us that the visit was for encouragement. Despite my wife being careful and not saying anything compromising, the two elders were mandated by the service committee to investigate and questioned some sisters close to her… three weeks later, they came to our house to inform us of the summons for the judicial committee. This increased my doubts about the organization and my feelings of guilt towards my wife. But shouldn’t the elders have acted as shepherds and looked for the lost sheep to bring it back to the fold? Why this inquisitorial attitude towards her and the deafening silence when she raised the violence she suffered during childhood? Here too, all the brothers seemed equal, but in reality, some were "more equal" than others.

The months following the disfellowshipping were difficult as a couple because, despite everything, I still believed that there was good in there and that the management by the elders was the result of a misunderstanding and an error of individual people. At the same time, I saw the effects of the shunning [mandatory avoidance by members] done to my wife and I began to ask myself even more questions. Having the spotlight turned on me too (I was labeled as not spiritual enough because my wife wanted to separate from me), the elders began to buzz around me to find reasons to start an action against me as well.

So I changed congregations, where I actually found a more relaxed atmosphere… I later discovered the reason: one of the most prominent elders had already woken up to this religious reality since 2015 (it was 2022) and was trying to do everything possible to make the atmosphere acceptable, interposing himself between the organization and individual brothers and trying to invite the body of elders to moderation. This elder said strange things from the platform… it was as if he was sending signals that I and a few others understood: he was trying to wake up as many people as possible, leveraging our critical spirit and trying to make us see things as they were.

Shortly after, speaking with a friend who had become inactive a few months earlier, I realized that over the years it was as if I had furnished my own room, and that the house where I lived was nothing more than a prison. He gave me some ideas to help me see things as they were, giving me some suggestions on where to find information. I began to examine the "fruits" of the organization to determine if the tree was healthy or not.

Initially determined not to drink from "apostate" sources, I came across case 29 of the Australian Royal Commission, in sentences of condemnation related to child abuse covered up by the organization, in journalistic investigations into cases of abuse in Great Britain, and little by little I reviewed the doctrines and realized that they were flawed in many aspects. It was a considerable trauma to realize that much of what I had believed had simply been artfully prepared according to not very shareable interpretations of the Bible.

On April 19, 2024, I commented at what, for me, would be my last meeting, saying that, for my future, I would hope to take the right steps, hoping not to disappoint my God. I stopped associating, and to date, I am inactive. Despite having clearly and unequivocally explained, Bible in hand, the fallacy of the proposed doctrines and having harshly criticized the methods of this organization, to date, the elders have not decided to proceed against me.

Being identified as an "apostate," I still suffer the effects of moderate shunning by the members of the congregations in the area where I live, although some greet me and exchange a few words when they see me. Many friendships I had turned out to be "conditional," and little by little they are disappearing… my luck has always been not to deprive myself of the friendship of work colleagues and schoolmates who have been crucial in not making me feel alone in my departure from the organization.

I would like to disassociate myself, unequivocally clarifying my position, but, first of all, it would be like recognizing power and giving weight to this organization, which I simply believe is nothing and cannot claim any rights over me (I would really like to see if, before a judge, my association with this organization made through a baptism at 13 years old could be sustained…). Furthermore, I am afraid of how my parents might react… for the moment, I do not intend to put them before a choice between me and the organization. Over time, by spending time with me, I hope they understand that when you leave that context and start taking your life into your own hands, you don’t become a bad person… I live in the hope that they too will wake up, even if it probably never happens.