Jodie Knell: Regarded as Dead By Our "Loving" Community

I was born and raised in a high control religious group which I left 2 years ago. At that time, my husband and I were in our early 40s. Our whole life was our church, I was 4th generation, part of a large ‘prominent’ church family, he was 5 when his parents joined. We were right in the middle of the group, had hundreds of friends in assemblies all over the world & were involved in ministry at times. It was our entire world, and for the most part, we loved raising our 3 young children in our very full, church-centred life. 

That was until we started questioning things. My father was a much-loved pastor in the UK who had been ejected from the church 10 months prior for speaking out about bullying (and by ‘speaking out’ I mean sending a private letter to the head of the church with concerns about one local brutish pastor, who had decimated his assembly). For us, the cracks had begun to appear years earlier, this was simply the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Out of respect to our once-beloved Pastor, we mentioned that my parents were planning a trip to come and stay with us. This wasn’t allowed as my father was considered to be (and blatantly called from the pulpit) ‘the antichrist’ by the old church’s leadership, after his ejection. Our Pastor, not wanting to be the bad guy, handballed us up to the head of the church. We were told, on meeting with him, that our parents could visit us (so gracious, as long as we made sure not to talk about controversial past events), but they could NOT stay under our roof. 

There was no way we were not going to welcome my parents to stay as they always had done, but up until this point, we’d had to keep our unbroken relationship and pride at his bravery and integrity a secret. But having them stay would very openly be ‘picking a side’. So a few weeks later at church on Sunday we told our pastor that they would indeed be staying with us. We were asked to leave immediately. I quietly gathered up our children and walked out the door for the last time. My husband lingered, shook our pastor's hand, looked him in the eye and said “just give us a few months, we just need to see them and talk, I’ll bring my family back”.

The very next meeting - without our prior knowledge - our pastor announced that we, in our pride, had left the church. We were to be unfriended, unfollowed on social media, removed from groups, instantly & brutally cut off. It was heartbreaking seeing my lifelong friends disappear from my socials, watching my children be kicked off whatsapp groups, and not one person reaching out in an attempt to change our minds or ‘save us’. Actually, that’s untrue; my 14 year old son received a text from a church friend encouraging him to leave home so he could return to church. You can imagine how I reacted to that (the fear-based indoctrination begins young).

I should clarify, there were varying levels of ‘backsliding’ from our church, and this hierarchy dictated the harshness of shunning employed. Young people or those who leave the group ‘for the world’ (ie to have a normal life) are met with polite small-talk in the street as there’s hope that they’ll return to the fold once they ‘inevitably’ hit rock bottom. Then there are those who leave disgruntled & often loudly. According to the church narrative, they’re dangerous, their words are poison, avoid them with caution. Then there was us. Heretics of the highest order, following my father the ‘antichrist’, happily involved in a new church group. We were not only to be avoided, but despised and were viciously attacked from the church platform for years, to scare others away from following in our allegedly deceitful, wicked footsteps.

Our local Warrnambool ex-pastor was famously regarded as ‘soft’ within that church. Uncharacteristically, his demand with regard to our shunning was harsh and immediate. Over the years, we were privy to many conversations with him. If we were to share the details of these conversations, it is likely that he would find himself in hot water also. Best we do not have the opportunity to talk to anyone.

So in an instant, we were regarded as ‘dead’ by our huge, ‘loving’ community, large extended family, lifelong best friends. Everyone. Even little things like happy birthday messages were met with silence at best, and often my number was blocked immediately. Unnecessary cruelty even in the smallest of ways. We were being punished.

This was all shocking because at this point we had assumed we were temporarily ‘out of fellowship’ while we entertained ‘the antichrist’ and that our kids would still be welcome to enjoy activities with their church friends. No. Absolutely not. They were no longer welcome and our pastor made it very clear that he would not be making it easy for us to come back.

Sadly, 10 days later, my husband's mother passed away. She had schizophrenia and was herself ejected from the church almost 20 years prior (schizophrenia falls into their too-hard basket, a sad account for another time). I could count on one hand how many condolence messages my husband received from those who, less than a fortnight prior, had been his lifelong ‘brothers and sisters’. He received far more kindness from strangers in the street. My husband had a rather difficult childhood (mainly thanks to his mother’s mental illness & hostile family situation) but despite this, he is one of the most resilient, optimistic humans you will meet. But this broke him. This complete lack of basic, human decency. It was hard to watch someone in their darkest hour being treated so callously. He vowed he would never return to a place and people so clearly void of love. We were being punished.

The funeral was an intimate graveside burial with a wake at our home. Her husband, my father in law, along with his other son, still attended the church. A few church-members came to the graveside to offer them support, but several were stopped from attending by our former pastor. Not one of them came to the wake as they refused to step foot inside our home. Don't forget, less than a month prior these had been our beloved brothers and sisters. Some collateral damage from shunning is illustrated here: my father-in-law - still with the church - was effectively shunned by the pastor and his own church because my husband had organised the funeral.

Life carried on, we found a new, healthier church group which I believe helped us through an unsettled and heartbreaking time. I dread to think where ours and our children's mental health would be after losing our entire community, if we weren’t shown so much love by these friends and given hope in our new church community. Sadly, I know we are the exception to the rule, most who leave the group find themselves isolated and entirely alone. Despite the kindness we’ve been shown, the grief of losing your entire history, everyone who has known you in your life, is something I still struggle with.

My family in the UK weren’t quite so lucky. My parent’s whole life was the church, as was my sister’s and her family, so they didn’t have a network of friends outside to support them. I’m grateful they found a new, healthier church community to fill that void almost immediately. The brutal shunning they experienced had instant and lasting effects, particularly on my young nephew and niece. They had several close cousins in the old church who were moved out of the school they all attended together so they couldn’t associate and the families wouldn’t have to pass each other on the walk to school. My family’s phone numbers were blocked so no resolution or conversation could take place, even if they wanted to. My very young nephew didn’t understand why everyone was suddenly ripped from his life; his best friends, uncles and aunties and his paternal grandparents. He underwent counseling to help him work through his trauma. My young niece is anxious around change.

Fast forward a year later, 2024. My maternal Grandma, the matriarch of our large, prominent church family, became gravely ill. Up until this point I’d had no contact with my previously tight knit extended family. The first time I saw my once-beloved uncles after 2 years of silence, was while visiting my Grandma in Palliative care. They could barely look at me, and a curt ‘hello’ replaced the bearhugs I used to treasure. They then carried on chatting, ignoring me and after a 10 minutes of politely sitting in silence I couldn't take it any longer & left in tears. It was awful. Cruel. I was being punished.

Unfortunately it only got worse a few weeks later at her funeral. We stood on opposite sides of the grave; her ‘faithful’ family on one side and we heretics on the other. A few crossed the threshold to offer a forced handshake but most stayed away entirely. Some of my cousins, who’d once been my best friends, wouldn’t even look in my direction. I held my kids in front of me and encouraged them to hold their heads high. We had a small gathering after the burial, mainly so that Grandma's brother could say a few words as he wasn’t welcome to do so at the official church ceremony (he was a backslider also, but not quite as wicked as us). None of the old church family turned up to this gathering, choosing instead to meet covertly around the corner.

But possibly the most spiteful example of shunning occurred at the church service that followed. My husband and I attended. My parents stayed away as they didn’t want to pull focus & cause controversy (I cannot stress enough how vile the rhetoric towards my dad had been on his excommunication). The service was fine, then came the slideshow showcasing her life…

Not one photo of my mum, her first-born, not one photo of me, her eldest grandchild, not one photo of my son, her eldest great-grandchild. Not one photo of our families. Not one group photo of the whole family together, the pride and joy of Grandma's life, her big beautiful family. It was so awful it was almost laughable. Again, collateral damage for those still in the church - it was more important to shun us, even to the extent of banning the family group photos which included all of those still within this church community. The service concluded, my family didn’t acknowledge us, but the few kind folk who were brave enough to approach us and offer condolence expressed their shock at the level of blatant hatred. We truly were ‘dead to them’. We were being punished.

There are so many more occasions I could share; the curt ‘hello’s’ that have replaced warm embraces, the forced small-talk, avoiding awkward conversations, my children being told we’re backsliders. The social death. The erasing of our history. The shame associated with our name. The silence. All for the great sin of having my parents stay in our home. 

I will admit, there have been a few precious encounters with church-members where we’ve been met with genuine kindness and for a moment it gives me hope. The saddest part of all is I believe that most within these groups don’t subscribe to the cruelty of shunning but it’s just easier to stick with the status quo than to speak up or behave differently. It makes good people behave badly, under the guise of ‘loving our soul’. I’m ashamed to say I was one of these people for 40+ years of my life. I like to think I never treated leavers unkindly but I certainly didn’t follow them up. My speaking up now is my attempt to atone for being part of this shameful behavior for decades. 

And if you're reading this, as someone within an organization that condones or practices shunning in the hope that it will bring a loved one back ‘to the truth’, please, please know that it doesn't work. It's just cruel & nobody wins. Not those who leave, or those who remain. Nobody. I haven't even begun to describe how many families I've seen torn apart and heartbroken within my church, especially mothers who've had to disown their children. It's horrific and unnatural.

I’ve had very stable mental health my whole life but since leaving the church I've found myself incredibly anxious when preparing for awkward, potentially hostile church-member encounters. And I’m constantly vigilant for signs of residual effects on our kids. Their resilience astounds me. I’m seeing a counselor myself to heal the hurt and unpack the damage, so I don't pass that baggage onto our kids.

I’ve focussed on our 2 funeral instances as I feel they highlight the cruelty of shunning. Its ONLY purpose is to punish and control. These times when we’re at our most vulnerable, when we not only crave but NEED comfort and support in our grief & loss. This is when shunning is most damaging & cruel. ALL those who leave a group that practices shunning experience that deep grief of loss the moment they walk away. I’ve heard so many horrific examples, much worse than ours.

It’s inhumane. It’s so damaging. It needs to be stopped.

I truly believe we were the lucky ones, even though we’ve had to start-from-scratch in our 40s. To leave as an intact family unit (my husband, kids and I), to have other family members leave just before us and to have a small network of support on the outside is an incredibly rare and precious thing. We’re still estranged from everyone in our old life (except my father in law thankfully). But we continue to live in hope of reconciliation one day.

I honestly can’t fathom how those who leave alone, which is most, survive the brutality of shunning. They are the bravest people I know.