Jacob Vaughn: A Life Shaped by Faith and Fear

Hello, my name is Jacob. I am one of Jehovah's Witnesses and have been for over 40 years. Both of my parents became Witnesses when I was a toddler, so my entire life revolved around the religion as far back as I can remember. In that time, I’ve seen many people leave or get removed from the organization.

My sister was removed for a couple of years because an older married man had sex with her when she was a teenager. I didn't talk to her the entire time she was disfellowshipped, even though she lived in the same house. We treated her like she had a disease that we might catch if we talked to her. She changed virtually overnight from a vibrant, healthy, energetic person into an empty shell. She physically changed so dramatically she appeared to become a different person.

When I was 10 years old, my mother decided to leave the organization and disassociated herself. As a Witness, I wasn’t allowed to speak with her anymore, and I haven’t now for over 35 years. This has been hard for me, especially as a child, because she was my best friend, and I loved her very much.

When I was 12 years old, I was baptized and later started pioneering. I then became a Ministerial Servant and was invited to serve at Brooklyn Bethel. While at Bethel, I became extremely depressed and detached. When I visited the Bethel psychiatrist, he would give me various pharmaceuticals, but they didn’t help. I soon began self-medicating, as was the custom there.

After 5 years, I left Bethel and felt excited to start living my own life. Unfortunately, what I found was that I was a very confused, lonely, depressed alcoholic. Eventually, I talked with an elder about my substance abuse, and he encouraged me to meet with the elders, which I did. The elders seemed considerate and asked me why I hadn’t gone to them before. They said they were there to help, which I was grateful to hear. I hated my sins and wanted help more than anything else. Instead, they decided to disfellowship me.

Immediately, I lost all my friends and family. I was told that God would now remove his Holy Spirit from me. I felt absolutely devastated, like my entire life had been ripped from me. I quickly found myself in a pattern of self-hatred and abuse. I stopped caring about myself, and my mental and physical health took a nosedive. I contemplated suicide many times during those next few years and had quite a few mental breakdowns. I didn't have a car and could barely keep a job.

I still believed the Witnesses had the truth, so for the next 5 years, I walked miles to get to and from the meetings. No one at the meetings was allowed to greet me or talk with me, and my family made extra sure not to glance in my direction. I felt like the only thing I had to live for at the time was to get reinstated.

Eventually, I was reinstated back into the congregation. Although I was excited to get my friends and family back, I felt uncomfortable and ashamed around them for many years after. Today, I find myself living in a situation where I know the organization is not directed by God or Spirit, but I am afraid of leaving because I don’t want to go through the loss of my family again.