Amy Loucks: Conditional Love—A JW Childhood Stolen by Faith and Fear

Mom joined when I was 11, the second to the oldest child of 6. The mom married the stepfather and moved far away from all family and we were not allowed to contact them. The family went deep into studying, meetings, field service, reading the bible, etc. But we were not accepted into the Jehovah witnesses (jw) because the stepfather was in the military and was worldly.

The stepfather started to rape the sister after we moved to a base on a far away island. He would rape her every night as my younger sister and I lay sleeping. The sister would say NO,NO,NO, but he would not stop. At the same time the mother was preaching the truth "listen to men no matter what" and "no SEX before marriage". Sooo confusing!!!

We moved every year, so he would not be discovered even though he was stationed at the same base. After another move to a different state the stepfather tried to touch me. He came into the bedroom I knew he was trying to rape me. I thought "the hell he is" and I fought the stepfather off. I don't know what happened because I blanked out but the stepfather never, never tried again with me.

Unfortunately the stepfather raped the other children. The mother was a devout jw. As I grew up the only way to receive love from the mother was to believe in jw truth. I felt compelled to be baptized at age 15. I was encouraged to quit school so as to pioneer. I was discouraged from pursuing college. When the two different elders (the parents friends) started to arrange alone time and ask for "favors" like the stepfather I thought it was normal.

When the "truth" came out there was trouble. There was a meeting with three old men. Since it was in 1975 I don't remember very many details. I was disfellowshiped for smoking cigarettes and having sex out side of marriage. Both the sister and I were baptized as teenagers and were both disfellowshiped. If I would of never been baptized then I would have been accepted by the mother.

The other children, even though what they represent is against jw truth, 1 sister and 2 brothers, the sister is a lesbian, one brother is a rapist (now baptized and a elder) and the young brother is a rapist, drug addict (hit the mom) but that's alright because not baptized.

The mother shunned me unless she wanted to discuss the grandkids. There was no going to dinner, movies, family get togethers, if I went the mother wouldn't go. I suffer from depression, anxiety, PTSD, anger issues. The mother tried to get the Grandma disfellowshiped because she was hanging with me. The hurt and the pain I have endured is all encompassing. I have more stories to tell.