Simon Hunter: Breaking the Cycle – Rebuilding Life After Leaving Jehovah’s Witnesses

Realising that your whole life has been based on a lie when you hit your forties is traumatic to say the least. I, like my wife, was raised in the ‘truth’ from birth and led to believe that I was so fortunate to have been so.

I delayed baptism until I was almost 22. Generally, baptism is expected much earlier as a son of an elder; however, I had reservations about the disfellowshipping arrangement and concerns about doing something wrong as a young man that would cut me off from friends and family. I didn’t listen to my gut and went along. I was held back from baptism for six months as the elders felt I wasn’t doing enough hours in the door knocking. No such problems for youngsters today though, eh?

I tried my best while active, but some things never sat right. I refused to ever auxiliary pioneer, for example, as I thought hour/placement counting was wrong and not motivated out of love or a measure of spirituality. I never raised my hand at congregation proposals, as it was just a sham tick-box exercise with no debate or information provided for decisions being made. My best was never good enough—a common theme for most JW. The answer to any doubts or concerns is to leave it in God’s hands and sweep it under the carpet.

I married at 25 and had two boys. Our family was more or less soft shunned while we were still active. I was viewed as materialistic because I worked full time to provide for my family. What I should have been doing was working as a window cleaner two days a week and claiming tax credits from the government—a common scam applauded by those honest, loving, spiritual JW’s in the UK!

I’ve spent a lifetime being humble and meek and suppressing ambition because Armageddon is just around the corner. That’s what I was told in 1994 when my mother died of cancer. I’ve never grieved properly because “I will see her soon.” Still waiting. Seeing guys not much older than me being appointed as GB members makes a mockery of everything I was told around that period of my life. Now I’m not only grieving her but the lost opportunities of my younger self and the breakdown of my own family.

The realisation that both of us came from such dysfunctional families because of JW teachings makes me determined to break the cycle for our boys and give them half a chance to be themselves—a chance we never got. The love displayed by JW’s is very much conditional and only offered as long as your opinion and behaviour toes the party line. There is no room for reasonable debate. You are shut down immediately, as negative talk is deemed to be the same as false talk. This in itself is extremely unhealthy mentally. The whole structure is geared towards narcissistic, controlling men.

The ‘truth’ is presented as having the answers to everything and happiness. Yet in my experience, around 80% of congregation members are on antidepressants. It gives people hope; however, make no mistake—no matter what the fluffy words on the JW website say—you cannot just walk away. Even being raised as a JW, the choice is binary: get baptised or get out of the house. I experienced homelessness (my sister also) as a young man because of this warped JW view. But remember, it is a loving thing to do so.

I’m proud my wife had the bravery to make the break. She gave me the strength to do it too. It’s been painful, but I’m hopeful that out of the pain and hurt we can rebuild our true identity. We are left picking up the pieces by the damage done by our weird upbringing and shunning by people claiming to love you. It is hurtful beyond words. Some will look at the ground when you walk past. Some may say hi, as they have permission from New York to do so now—just don’t converse or some of my Satanic influence may rub off.

The world was lonely as a JW, as we isolated ourselves and never formed meaningful friendships with ‘worldly’ people. It has become even more lonely now being cut off, but I’m glad to have people that pick and choose when to be friends out of my life once and for all.

The pressure to be good little JW’s has been removed from our boys. They can breathe, be themselves, and not be the weird kids isolating themselves anymore that don’t celebrate anything! They will be loved unconditionally by us as long as we are on this planet. No future heavenly kings in New York will influence our decision making ever again.