Baptised in Fear, Shunned in Silence

I was brought up from birth as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses by my mother. I was coerced into being baptised at age 15, which I didn’t want to do. The fear tactic then was that if I wasn’t baptised, I wouldn’t make it through Armageddon. This was urged by the Org to “Stay Alive Till ’75,” which can be replayed in a talk at a convention for anyone to watch to this day.

Armageddon was heavily predicted to be over by 1975, but, as they do, they turned it around so that we as Witnesses more or less “assumed it.” They watered the urging down. Out of fear of hurting and worrying my mum, and fear of being put to death at Armageddon, I went through with it and got baptised.

I married at 19 and was extremely lonely, as my husband was made an elder at 22 years old, so his congregational responsibilities kept him so busy I was as if a single mother. My first baby girl was born 7/7/77 when I was only 21. She needed life-saving surgery and, of course, a stand on the blood issue was taken by my husband and myself with great distress and fear.

Nineteen years passed, and my husband had an interest in a young woman at work, which I found humiliating. I kept going in the marriage, which became terribly debilitating, resulting in me suffering extreme depression because of the hopelessness I felt.

A Brother pursued me, which caught me at an extremely vulnerable time. He found me at a restaurant with my girlfriend and, after, took me to a park where physical advances were made and he started to have sex with me. I said stop, but he asked me to let him finish.

That night I went straight home and told my then-husband he had grounds for divorce. Of course, with that there was a judicial committee, and though I had asked for help, they disfellowshipped me. I appealed, but to them I wasn’t repentant enough, as I said I would try my best never to have contact with the brother again, as I knew he was so persistent he would not leave me alone.

He would leave gifts on my car and send notes in my mailbox to pick up a gift, and with being tossed out I couldn’t try and make it up to my then-husband. So all I had was that brother, as I was immediately shunned and completely cut off from any help—except to attend meetings to get back.

I would go out and sit on a rubbish bin behind the hall to hide my crying from my second, very young daughter, who would ask, “Mummy, why are you crying?” I remember thinking, “’Cause I should be in the rubbish bin, not on it.” Psychologically, I was ripped to shreds.

I did get reinstated, but after the passing of my mother I became inactive at 60 years old. Now, at 70 this year, I’m still inactive, as I’ve seen the lies and coercive control of this corrupt organisation and will never go back.

Even though I’m not formally disfellowshipped, my eldest daughter—who I fought for at birth—has cut me off. Also, my brother and sister have made it clear not to visit them. There are many, many articles where the Witnesses are told that if you associate with a disfellowshipped one, you will be at risk also of that outcome. They say it’s a loving provision to get the sinful one to repent.

It’s never, ever been a conscience choice till lately. Now they changed it so you can give a brief greeting if the disfellowshipped one attends the Kingdom Hall. Interesting—11 days after the last court case, that was slightly softened so you could, conscience-wise, do that.

Now I have to fight my mental health constantly as I grieve my family. I suffer great despair and loneliness in my aging years, sometimes to the point I have considered suicide. My daughter and my siblings didn’t even message or call me through the isolation of Covid to see if I was dead or alive.

I live in fear that if the congregation learns how I feel, I will be formally disfellowshipped—now they call it “removed”—and that will be the extreme nail in the coffin to ever see my precious daughter this side of the grave at all, unless I crawl my way back. I wouldn’t be able to again, as I have seen and heard the proof of how corrupt they are, and have been for over 100 years.

I have now met a number of ex-Witnesses, and most have felt suicidal at times too. What this practice of total isolation causes is so destructive, it’s beyond cruel and evil.

There is a lot more to my experiences with this cult, high-control group, but here it would take too long. They lied and twisted and framed information in the last court, and so I simply cannot understand why they haven’t been held in contempt of court. That is law-breaking in itself.

I will close now, as I have tried to condense my experiences for you since I was a little girl, and there is just so much more I was subjected to in terms of the control and expectations.

Kind regards,
Toni