I was born in 1969 to parents who were both Jehovah’s Witnesses (JW) from birth. Their parents were also Jehovah’s Witnesses, so it’s all I ever knew growing up. From a young age, my life was shaped by the doctrines and high-control environment of the religion. I was taught that God’s name was “Jehovah” and that our religion was the only true one. From infancy, I was told that Jehovah was going to kill all non-Witnesses at “Armageddon” and that the only way to survive was to be a JW. At just four years old, I became a “publisher”, selling copies of The Watchtower and Awake! magazines from door to door, and started giving talks from the platform at the Kingdom Hall.
At the age of eleven, I was sexually abused by a teacher at school. This trauma led to a mental breakdown and depression that lasted into adulthood. Being a Jehovah’s Witness meant that my issues were never fully addressed.
I got baptized as a Jehovah’s Witness at sixteen in order not to get killed at Armageddon, and so as to preserve the relationships I had with my JW family and friends. Little did I realise, this would entrap me for the next thirty-four years. I left school the same year. Instead of going to university, something that is discouraged within the faith because it promotes “critical thinking”, I took a part-time job and enrolled as an “auxiliary pioneer,” engaging in sixty hours of door-to-door preaching each month. Six months later, I became a “regular pioneer,” increasing my commitment to ninety hours per month.
At age twenty-three, I was appointed as a “ministerial servant” and seven years later became an “elder”. I went on to have many responsibilities within the organisation, including giving public talks and speaking at assemblies and conventions. Back then, I believed it was “the truth”, although looking back now I wonder if there was always a little voice inside questioning, “What if it isn’t?”
As an elder, I served on a number of “judicial committees” where my role was to determine if “sinners” were repentant or not. If not, it was down to me and my fellow elders to “disfellowship” them from the congregation. We would inform the congregation that the sinner was “no longer one of Jehovah’s Witnesses” and members would then be expected to shun them completely, not even saying “hello” to them if they saw them in the street. I had no problem doing this because I felt it was what Jehovah wanted of me. I disfellowshipped several people without feeling bad about it. Even so, whenever I saw (and shunned) a disfellowshipped person it would feel wrong.
Around the time that I became a “ministerial servant”, I married a nineteen-year-old JW “sister.” It wasn’t a happy marriage and I spent the next 25 years feeling miserable and trapped. Divorce was not an option unless one of us committed “sexual immorality,” the only sin that would allow for a “scriptural remarriage”.
Despite not being happy together, my wife and I went on to have four children, all of whom were home-educated to prevent them from being exposed to “Satan’s wicked world”. Three of my children went on to get baptised, including my daughter who was only 9 years old at the time. She started regular pioneering at just 12 years old.
In time, my commitments as an elder and the demanding schedule of pioneering took a toll on my health. Eventually, I became very ill with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I also continued to suffer from depression for which I received medication to help me cope. I often wished I was dead.
In 2004, I qualified as a Life Coach. Part of the course involved gaining self-awareness. In doing so I questioned why I held certain beliefs. I carried out a lot of research into the Watch Tower organisation. What I found shocked me! I discovered that many of the key teachings, especially their “end time” prophecies had no basis in Scripture. I still believed in God, Jesus, and the Bible, but belonging to an organised religion began to feel wrong.
I started to identify as a “non-denominational Christian” and in 2005 I began partaking of the bread and wine at the annual memorial of Jesus’ death. This resulted in me becoming the target of a fellow elder. He made it his mission to get me disfellowshipped, asking around my friends and family as to whether I had ever voiced any opinions that were not in line with Watch Tower doctrine. One of the persons he approached was my dad, with whom I had privately discussed my doubts about 1914.
In 2006, I was disfellowshipped for “apostasy”. My dad witnessed against me. He thought the experience would help me spiritually, but the judicial and appeal hearings, which lasted fourteen hours, led to me having a mental breakdown in front of the eight elders questioning me. Despite my obviously poor mental health, they decided to disfellowship me. This marked the beginning of my personal experience with mandated shunning.
Immediately, all my JW friends and family cut me off, leaving me isolated and without support. Since I had been taught that all non-Witnesses were part of “Satan’s system” I only had one non-JW acquaintance, a work colleague, who helped me get through the next three years of isolation.
Despite still living under the same roof with my wife and children, I was forbidden from discussing anything spiritual with them. I was not allowed to pray or engage in Bible study with them.
Even though I didn’t believe the teachings were 100% true, I still felt that Jehovah was using the organisation and would correct things. As such, I continued attending meetings at the Kingdom Hall and partaking at the annual memorial, all the while being completely ignored.
Having been taught that non-Witnesses were “bad association”, I didn’t feel I could develop friendships with people in “the world”. This lack of emotional connection caused my mental health to suffer further still. I felt I had no choice but to return to the organisation in order to regain some normality in my life.
In 2009, after seven reinstatement hearings, I was finally allowed back into the congregation. I did this because I couldn’t bear the thought of my children growing up, getting baptised, leaving home, and then having to shun me completely, which is a requirement for family members not living under the same roof.
After being reinstated, I continued to suffer from depression caused by the trauma of being shunned for three years. I was also suffering from cognitive dissonance, knowing in my heart that Jehovah’s Witnesses wasn’t “the truth”, but pretending that it was. In 2011, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder Type II and was given medication to stop me overthinking things.
In time, I resumed pioneering and started to regain my reputation as an exemplary Jehovah’s Witness. I continued pioneering for the next ten years but was very careful to avoid taking on other responsibilities. Despite being considered for reappointment as a ministerial servant on several occasions, I turned the offers down. I didn’t want to serve as an “appointed man” again because I knew I would be expected to teach things I no longer believed in. I was also worried that I would be asked to serve as an elder again. The idea of serving on judicial committees and disfellowshipping people caused me a lot of stress. Disfellowshipping and being shunned had been very traumatic for me, and I didn’t want anyone else to experience the same thing.
In 2015, my second-oldest child disassociated herself and identified as transgender. I am ashamed to say that I shunned her after she left home at just sixteen. I did this in order to preserve the JW family I had at home and to support my ageing father who had recently been widowed. I was scared of being disfellowshipped again if I associated with my ex-JW child. I knew shunning my child was wrong, but with three JW children still living at home, I put my feelings aside in order to preserve my relationship with them.
Over the next few years, I began to see more evidence that Jehovah’s Witnesses was not “the truth”. The Australian Royal Commission’s investigation into historic child abuse within Jehovah’s Witnesses, and notably the way the governing body responded to it, was a real eye-opener. I started to feel very uncomfortable identifying as a Jehovah’s Witness.
In 2019, my oldest child who had left home earlier that year, disassociated. Again, I struggled with the idea of shunning him, but I put my personal feelings aside in order not to lose my two younger children who were still living at home.
The cognitive dissonance I was experiencing was starting to have a detrimental effect on my personal integrity. I knew I wasn’t living honestly, and that really bothered me. This had further negative effects on my mental health. I wanted to leave Jehovah’s Witnesses. I no longer wanted to be in my unhappy marriage. But I could see no way out without committing a disfellowshipping offence.
Eventually, the emotional turmoil I was experiencing culminated in me committing “sexual immorality” with a “sister” in the congregation who showed me some love, something I had not experienced for a long time in my JW marriage. This happened a week before the elders were going to recommend my reappointment as an elder. Despite my misgivings, I had let them convince me that serving again was a good idea. Because I had been pioneering for ten years since my reinstatement and was a good teacher, it was decided that there was no need to appoint me as a ministerial servant first. Instead of being reappointed as an elder, I was disfellowshipped for a second time.
This time I lost everything—my home, my money, all my possessions, and my job which relied heavily on JW clients. My wife divorced me, which was actually a relief, but she went on to alienate my children from me. It has been almost five years since I have had any contact with my children.
I found myself living alone in a bedsit with no family or friends to support me. By now, I realised I no longer believed in Jehovah’s Witnesses, and I recognised it to be not just a benign religion, but a highly controlling cult. Even so, I continued to attend meetings at the Kingdom Hall. My plan was to get reinstated so I could have contact with my JW family, but then “fade” without formally disassociating. I felt uncomfortable knowing that I would be pretending again, but I didn’t feel capable of building a life outside of Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Then COVID hit. This meant that meetings were no longer held at the Kingdom Hall. Instead, I was expected to log into meetings on Zoom. I did this for a while but found that just hearing the elders teaching what I now knew to be lies made me feel sick to the stomach! I started to log in but kept the volume down. More pretending!
By now, my mental health was at an all-time low. I had another mental breakdown and began to contemplate suicide. I reached out to the elders, but they told me they couldn’t help me because I was disfellowshipped. As a result, I attempted suicide several times.
In 2021, the elders finally agreed to meet with me to discuss reinstatement, but it quickly became apparent that they were going to make returning very difficult. They told me that “considerable time” would have to pass before I would be considered for reinstatement. When I asked how long that would entail they refused to answer. Despite telling them about my unhappy marriage, and my suicide attempts, they showed no compassion. That’s when I realised I had had enough. I walked out of the reinstatement hearing and decided never to return to Jehovah’s Witnesses.
When I returned to my bedsit, I wrote a letter to the elders and all of my JW friends and family, declaring myself openly as an “apostate” and severing ties with the religion once and for all. I was determined to no longer pretend!
After that, my life began to improve. I sought therapy and abuse counselling, which helped me heal from the trauma of my past. I started the process of deconstructing any religious beliefs I still held onto. Everything I had ever been taught became a subject for deep reflection. I eventually settled on being “spiritual but not religious”.
I then started the OnionUnlimited podcast to share my story and connect with other ex-JWs. Soon after that, I met a lovely ex-JW from Australia on Twitter and started an online relationship. I moved to Australia in 2023 to be with her and we got engaged in January 2024. We are currently planning our wedding!
Today, I am no longer on medication and no longer suffer from depression. My doctor says I never had Bipolar Disorder but that my poor mental health was the result of situational stressors in my unhappy marriage and life in a high-control group.
I can honestly say that I am happy now. I am in a committed, loving relationship. I have made new friends outside of Jehovah’s Witnesses. A number of my JW friends have also woken up to it being a cult and have left, even my oldest friend from childhood. My JW father and children still shun me and my attempts at repairing my relationship with the children I shunned have failed. Although I still love them, I have made peace with the idea that I may never see them again.
If I could give any advice to those who feel trapped in a high-control group or religious cult, it would be this: Be honest. Let the pieces fall where they may. Then rebuild. Those who truly love you will find a way to stay in your life. Don’t do what I did. It destroyed my mental health and my personal integrity. In the end, I lost everything anyway.
At fifty-five years old, I’m lucky to be alive, and fortunate to have a second chance at life and love. Had I known what I know now, I would have left Jehovah’s Witnesses in 2004 when I first realised it wasn’t “the truth”. It took me 17 years to finally break free from the cult I had been born into.
My story is proof that you can have a happy, fulfilling life after leaving a high-control group like Jehovah’s Witnesses. I would like to think my story might give some comfort and hope to others who are having a similar experience to mine.