By Patrick Haeck
During my many lectures in educational institutions and communities, someone almost always asks me if I feel guilty about what I did as an Elder in the high-control religious group I grew up in. While I realize the damage I’ve done—in particular my compliance to mandated shunning—my answer is categorically “NO!”.
And yet I know many people struggle with feelings of guilt because they used to be perpetrators of mandated shunning, and now know how harmful it is. Of the 1,450 people who have taken the survey on Stop Mandated Shunning, over 75% report still feeling guilty for having shunned a loved one.
So I’d like to tell you how I overcame those feelings.
As a first step, very early after I left my coercive group, I took the initiative to visit those people whom I had shunned. To those who allowed me, I expressed my sincere regret for what I had done. Almost without exception, this alleviated the pain for both me and my victims.
However, it was the story of the death of George Washington, the first president of the US, that made me realize there was absolutely no reason to feel guilty.
On a cold morning in December 1799, George Washington woke up with a very sore throat. In his misery, he sent for his doctor. After examining Washington, the doctor summoned the best medics in America. After discussing options, they unanimously agreed on the following treatment: venesection.
Some of Washington’s veins were cut open and his blood flowed into a bowl on the ground. Since he had a severe throat infection, the doctors decided to drain more blood. As his condition deteriorated, the doctors drew even more blood. After 80% of Washington’s blood was drained, he ordered his doctors to stop. But it was already too late. A few hours later, Washington died.
It is hard to imagine now, but for over 2,000 years, bloodletting was standard operating procedure for doctors. It was the cure-all for cancer, cholera, asthma, herpes, insanity, severe sore throats, etc.
Imagine that George Washington’s physicians were still alive today:
- Should they then feel guilty about having caused the former president’s death?
- Was this treatment a violation of the Hippocratic Oath?
- Would we label them as George Washington’s killers?
Each of these questions can be answered with “No!”. They dutifully carried out what they had been taught during their medical training and acted in accordance with the body of knowledge they had.
Like Washington’s doctors, I acted in accordance with what I was taught at the time. But just as medical knowledge evolved beyond bloodletting, so too must we evolve beyond mandated shunning. What we once believed was necessary for spiritual health is, in reality, a form of psychological and emotional harm.
I used to believe that shunning was an act of love—that by cutting someone off, I was helping them return to God. I even enforced this practice with close friends and family. But now, I see the devastating consequences. Mandated shunning is not an act of love; it is an act of harm.
So today, armed with a better understanding, I am proud to be focused on finding legal remedies to stop mandated shunning!